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C asked me this morning if I think I’ll ever get a smartphone.

I can’t get a smartphone, what if it outwits me?

I’ve seen and read faaaar too many science-fiction stories about the folly of intelligent technology. It’s a downward spiral. One minute it’ll be helping me organise my contacts and enabling me to e-mail and twitter, the next it’ll start undermining my life and I’ll end up locked in an old rusty school locker in an alley somewhere whilst it takes my place.

Ah it can recognise my voice can it (supposedly so that I can save all of 5 seconds when I’m trying to find a contact)? Well I’m sorry but that’s only a step away from mimicking my voice. I know how it’ll go – whilst I’m in the loo the phone will call everyone I know, mimic my voice and tell everyone I hate them.

Then as I’m stumbling around wondering why no-one has contacted me for a while I’ll get a ‘text’ from a ‘friend’ inviting me to a party in a place I don’t know. Of course I’ll ask the phone for directions and bam suddenly I’ll be in a dark alley, peering into the gloom. As I stride in looking for the door number all I’ll hear is a gentle electronic buzz from my pocket then the phone will launch up into my face and it’ll all be over.

I’ll suddenly ‘re-emerge’ into society and people will comment to each other “Wow Ella’s sentence structure has really improved since we last saw her, although she doesn’t seem to blink anymore”.

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